of disdain

01.01.2012
So, here I am, at the beginning of anxiously anticipated year two-o-twelve. Went to bed around 6 in a morning, feeling exhausted and sad, as usual. Now I am like a limp fish-my movements are slow and I have no strength to crack a walnut without breaking a sweat. I have hardly eaten. Have no headache or stomach pains but have chills instead. I should say I had fairly good New Years party, but I wouldn't be true to myself, so I won't say it. Some new people met. Again I have made an impression on them without even trying. This is fucking weird. Why does this happen to me? I would prefer to make impression on people I really care for, not some random human beings WITH WIFES AND NEWLY BORN CHILDREN  or such. Come on!! It really bugs me-why people do choose "traditional" ways of life, only to regret it and then trying to hide it through the rest of their lifes. When they see someone who lives and thinks differently, they are amazed and I can see this strange sparks in their eyes-be it interest, envy, fascination...And there is ALWAYS much exaltation when you mention you're actually an ARTIST. Holy fuck?!RE-ALLY? How perfectly marvellous!!This is SOOO exciting! And they look straight into your eyes and they drink every word from your lips, like a precious nectar. And they nod and understand. And they wish they had time to commit themselves to such wonderful activities of creation.

I think I had a little wrestling session with O., and one of my fingers hurts me, which only means he did the lever on me again (I mean O.-not my finger). Now, this is little annoying, because it's the easiest way to avoid serious punch exchange-he does it to break me, and this is not fair at all. I work with this hand, goddamn it!
Also I was crying a lot. Noticed, that when without my Boy, I just simply can't get drunk and be silly and happy. And tears are just flowing uncotrollably. What a crybaby, it's just pathetic! Also, I can't get over some stuff, simply can't forget and accept that things change. Don't know what to do about it.

We went to the city market to have a laugh at Agnieszka Chylińska presenting songs from her new album-just watched her clip with Merry Men and all. Holy crap, unfortunately it wasn't even funny. Managed to spend about five minutes in the crowd of weird looking people, and then retreated home. I must have been quite under the influence then, because I simply can't recall any fireworks or nothing. Almost missed the big moment.And then endless conversations until 5a.m. O. didn't want to let me go by bus and was pressing for ordering a taxi. I declined. Then wanted me to sleep over, but I declined that too. Maybe if I had a sleeping bag...Anyhow, left soon feeling shaky and dissapointed with myself and everything. I was approached by some drunk individual when I was sitting at the rear end of a bus. Fortunately I gave him such a look that he quickly abandoned the idea of conversation. I arrived at home precisely at 6a.m. and lost conciousness.

Now I must think of what to do with myself, and how to do it.
I'm awaiting my new camera with great anticipation-at last I'll be able to do more at the field of photography...