of failure

28.02.2012

There is one thing I know- no more complications. Sculpting is a laborious procedure, and everything should be as easy as possible in order to avoid future dissapointments. My greatest dissapointment as it comes to my polymer clay actions is-unfortunately-Thor. He's pretty and all, but has far to many vulnerable points. His arm, which seemed to me fixed for good-broke again. I broke his sword. Little strand of hair has been broken twice. His hand, holding a sword hilt broke too. Of course- it'll teach me something, but when I think of hours of my work wasted, I can't help but feel angry with myself. I wanted to make something epic at the beginning, and it appears to be an utter failure. Well then, he'll remain unsold-can't risk selling him, even when I fix him. Am going to make another Thor-much smaller, perhaps of the size of my heads. No more stupid details that may jeopardise whole project.
 Am working on fairy now-also thought it'll be a piece of cake, maybe a one day work.Well- it isn't! The whole process of sanding is very time consuming, and another obstacle, called "moonies" (which are nothing more than circular breaks that appear on the suface of baked SuperSculpey) has to be tackled along the way. It appears that moonies are inevitable when working with this material. It doesn't bother me much as long as I'm going to paint my figurine. But when I choose to leave it's fleshy color (as on the fairy) it really becomes troublesome. Also, I have a strange tendency to make all my creatures appearances slightly ghoulish or demonic if you like. I just simply cannot produce a sweet and innocent face! At least not now. And I know that in order to make things desirable, I must learn that skill and be careful not to border on kitsch.
 O. managed to fool me by claiming that The Reaper fell of his hands and broke. Fortunately it was only a lame joke, so I didn't have to kill him. As for his painting skills, I must admit I have expected much more sophisticated work. I pointed out the brush traces on the surface of skull. I sanded it ( also to get rid of my fingerprints ) and gave him back to work some more on it. Gave him goblin to do next.

My greatest concern is that painting such little figurines takes far too much time on his part. Maybe, there'll be some improvement.
Have no will to paint-at least not for the exibition.
Deviant designes sent.

Spoke to my ex boss today, and she said that her hub-and my ex boss as well- is going to work as a taxi driver! Now, this is what this country does to you: must looking for another opportunities in order to stay alive.Sometimes I wonder how it is going to end. Obviously, there is always demise at the end of the road, question only when and how.
Found out that most likely I have so called "runners knee" sydrome- Chondromalacia. If I had only new back in 2003, when I damaged my knees while descending Seven Sisters in Norway, that I should act immediately and go to see some doctor!

what the hecq?

25.02.2012

Ok, cut the crap.
World is melting away. Wish it would melt a little bit faster as every surface now is potentially lethal. On Wednesday I have  landed hard on my ass and twisted my wrist just meters from the house. I was really extra careful whole day, but it didn't help me.
There is heavy wind outside-I can hear it trashing  trees around. And constant dripping of water. Is it coming, then? The Spring??

Made three polymer heads in the last two days and am rather satisfied. Baked them on Friday along with a new sword for Thor, who BDW is finished now. At least I think it is. May change my mind. As for heads: first one to appear was The Goblin. Then Cthulhu and the Eye of Terror. Was tempted whole day to start playing with Cthulhu, so finally I painted him yesterday evening. The result seems to be satisfactory. Don't know if I'll leave him as his is, in matt, or give him some glossy varnish. Will consult it. O. started with Reaper and painted him with first few layers. Eye of Terror has been painted with first few layers too, much is yet to be done.

I made rather deep carving at the place of iris on Eye of Terror head, so I could fill it with glass paint, when baked. . Made him without any sketch, rather spontaniously, just as the rest of them-maybe with the exception of Cthulhu-had to browse in the net for reference.

Also-started...Fairy. Yeah, I know this is so mainsteram, but just want to try it, and find out if I'm any good at it. I'm interested only in very small figurines of that kind, "flying" (with a little loop at the back for threading some string, so you can hang it anywhere).

Discovery of the day: Hecq As his last album is dubsteppish, it really works for me. Finally some clever tune and fat bass! Loving it. If I could go to some party with such music, I would count it as the best party of my life. AND I'm not a party girl, by all means.

of headache

19.02.2012

Yesterday was Grandma's birthday party. She's 85 and openly claims that she doesn't want to live anymore. What kind of life is that if you're in constant pain?
Table was full of cakes and such. Ate only as much as one portion of each cake (there were two). Met O. after exactly a week since we've seen each other. I appears thet he waited for me to call him first, and I waited for him to call me first. I managed to express my indifference quite openly which surprisingly did worry him. I found out that he signed up with his Good Lady for norwegian lessons! Yellow bastard. I told him I'm interested too ages ago, and he didn't even call me! There was some promotion, and semester cost 50% cheaper than usually. Don't have money for it anyway, but still!
 We went to LadyBug and then Carrefour to get something for Grandma (I picked nice plant with pink flowers-unforunately rather smelly) and then went to cementary to light hearths. Been throwing big chunks of frozen snow at each other and I got hit two times in the chest ( I WAS A QUITE SUCCESSFUL ARTIST, BUT THEN I TOOK A SNOWBALL IN THE CHEST). Weather surprisingly warm (-3C) and so I didn't even zip my jacket.
At Grandma's we were sitting politely around the table and talking about everything and nothing. I showed O. The Reaper, wrapped in the bubble foil. He didn't take it out but his eyes went round like saucers and he stuttered: THIS IS GENIAL!I took it away from him only to give it back some time later. I decided he'll paint it. If he delivers, I might find a use for him. I have never seen (or maybe I just don't remember) O. to be so excited about something. When we were later walking down the street to get some beverage and saltsticks he kept talking and talking about The Reaper, and my various talents and skills. Well, that feels good.
And then I met one of his friends, Luiza, who was so eager to meet me (??) that she exclaimed at our entrance: "So, this is that famous sister of yours!".
"I see that my fame gets ahead of me"-I said, giving her my signature, firm grip.
And so we drank and listened to Jon LaJoie (POW,POW) and snickered upon his lyrics. I noticed that felted demon head I made for O. at a time when everything mattered, found its place at the new glass cabinet, that now proudly hangs above the desk.
  I gave O. precisely a week to paint Reaper.

It is anatomically correct, and aproximetely 7,5 cm tall. Will start with another character today, as I woke up exactly at 8.00 which is, uhm, abnormal in my case. Must paint something too, and get some good bird photos from the net. Soon I'll be deprived of internet and before I get it back I might not be able to do so.
As for Thor-had some problems along the way, but it seems I found good solutions for them. Still unfinished but it is now closer to the end than ever.

*
Two serious dog fights in the house featuring Perkele and Tora. Some minor wounds on both sides. It looks really ferocious when those two are in for kicking the crap out of each other. No apparent reason.

Also strawberries taste like water now.

I have a strange headache at the  upper side of my head, it's really strong and I hope I won't die unexpectedly, in a seazure, down on the floor, with internal bleeding.

More snow, but temperatures also more acceptable.

Learned few interesting insults in Norwegian, like:
-drittsekk;
-din faens rompeslikker!
-morrapuler;
-kukkost (hahahahahahaha);
-knulle;
-skinkerytter (hahahahaha)
-fitte
and many more

15.02.2012

So far, so good-managed not to contact O. for three days, which is really something of a achievement. This actually leads me to the conclusion, that I was wrong all the way, blind, stupid, naive, you name it. If he does not feel any need to contact me, there is nothing left but do the same.
Am listening to Brendan Perry over and over again and his music doesn't make me shaken anymore. I've been feeling even sort of uplifted all day... I have shitload of things to do, and yet I haven't done anything today. Just smoothing out my new polymer clay Grim Reaper bust. Just sent an entry for a t-shirt contest, which leaves me with one more contest to take part in. I expect strong competition, but there is some serious money to be won. Better not think of it in case of failure...!
Tomorrow is...Right...What is it? Fat Thursday? Doughnut Day? I honestly don't even know where from this strange custom comes. Am not going to eat a single doughnut, even thoug aunt is going to prepare some. Lard! ! ! Yuk, yuk, yuk.
 *
When I use public transport it always strikes me how people look. Sometimes it is like travelling with the characters from Hieronymus Bosch's or Pieter Bruegel's paintings. I like to think of how those wrinkled, rough faces looked like when they were young. I wonder if they are as much dissapointed with this World as I am.

of dreams unfulfilled

11.02.2012
Manage to battle bad mood a bit. It doesn't mean it's all sweets and roses now. It'll never be so.
O. is sick and thus I've been avoiding him for past few days. I managed to bake Thor ( few problems accured while doing so) and put basic layers of paint on him. I begin to believe this is going somewhere. Prehaps just fooling myself, but without little faith I'd be utterly lost. So I keep thinking, and dreaming. My interest for dolls slowly transforms into intereset for figurines/busts of ugly and scary creatures as found in Schell Studio. Now. HOW TO BEGIN?!
Went to Grandpa yesterday. I thought I'll go snowblind along the way. Also O. informed me that we won't attend the concert as all tickets had been sold out. Well, that was surprising!

Couldn't bring myself to paint anything at Grandpa's. Eventually though I picked Little Owl (Athene Noctua) as my subject. This is such a beautiful and, yes!-cute bird, I couldn't resist.

I placed her/him? in the dark of woods, where blueish silhouettes of trees dominate the landscape. It isn't finished yet, but I can see it's working.
I ate some soup containing mostly beans and went to O. His Good Lady as usually buried in books. As far as I know she's got just one more exam on Sunday. Managed to get pissed few times but generally enjoyed the time. We've been drinking some good stuff and listening to Metallica and such. I remember when everybody was crazy about this band, I deliberately refused to listen to it. I guess I wanted to be different. And so, now I don't really know any of Metallica's albums, I only recognize few songs. Still, it doesn't kick my ass at all.
At some point we were measuring our biceps, because I told O. mine are bigger than his, haha. He took it very personally and brought tape to find out. I've got 26/27cm, he's got 32cm. I knew it'll be on the contrary, but just like to mock him from time to time ^^
Anyway, O. managed to contact his guitarist ( we picked him from railway station BEFORE we got into alcoholical behaviour ) and force him to prepare one or two songs within a month. O. intends to reanimate his and Prohet's band-Entropia. It would be great to see O. performing live on stage, I think thst is one of things he might miss in his life. When we dropped Borgoth and came back home (temperature still around -17C), O. suggested himself as my manager (!), and said my works must be somehow promoted. Well, as far as I know him it's just small talk, BUT, he confessed that he talked with his friend sometime ago, about my stuff, and wanted to get me some exibition space. Unforunately all is booked until next year, however, in case of any changes, he'll be promptly informed.
Well, hell yeah, why not, I could be a famous artist.
Also, found out about a piece of land that belongs to my Far at some distance from Białystok.
Surprises, surprises...
Lastly: just discovered very interesting artist-I absolutely admire her works!One of them below:

If I wasn't such a broke, I would collect all them cuties...

of dizziness and hummus

05.02.2012

It is 35days since I've smoked my last cigarette. I'm not mentioning it in order to get an applaud, I only just discovered that apparently I don't HAVE TO inhale things. Just sometimes have this little thought on the back of my head-would be nice to have a fag, especially after satisfying meal...

I've spent last night on the tiled floor at the back of O.' kitchen. Did not sleep well, I must say. Was a bit dissapointed that I had so little time to have a proper conversations, as M. had exams the next day and had to go to sleep rather early. Woke up feeling weak, dizzy and unwilling to live. We spoke of shitty prospects for our existence. Managed to get into even worse mood. Then we assembled new piece of furniture- looks like a  rack for meat to me, but no nevermind.
I think this was the last time I stayed overnight at O.'s place.
Maybe will change my mind, when Spring comes. Oh Spring, where are Thou??
Prospects of Opeth concert is getting more and more distant. I'm so broke, it hurts. Where are all those rich people with great artistic taste, willing to spend shitloads of money on my one of a kind weirdness?? Am seriously lacking inner force to create. The bounce is gone from my bungee.
Heavy frost every single day, and clear, blinding sky. My eye lashes stick together if I don't bat my eyelids often enough.
In addition to my already miserable life, I have terrible muscle pains as I only recently started to exercise with weights (don't even know how heavy they are, I estimate them to be 4 kilos each) and also stretch myself  a bit. There is certain pleasure in such body working, and I understand that pain is an inevitable thing. I think there is some competition between me and O. as it comes to exercising. He's such a show-off.

No visible progress on anything.

Prospect of a concert of group called Cynis, next friday.O.'s bassist will perform there. I might only go to see him playing, as I find him rather nice guy ( bassist, not O.).
Also-LaoChe on 26th of February.

ps.my first home made hummus became an instant hit! It is simple and it's yummy:
1 cup of chickpeas (some 175g)
1 table spoon of lemon juice
1/4 cup of oil
pinch of salt
pinch of black pepper
pinch of dried chilli
as much garlic as desired ( I added just one clove and it really stands out )
some coriander-crushed.

Soak chickpeas for some 15 hours or so, then cook them until soft. Mix all ingredients with blender. Eat within three days.

of strawberry sherbet

02.02.2012

After sleepless night I concluded I cannot live this way no more. Someone will die.
 Meanwile Winter is getting seriously wintery. There is -23C, and some hour ago I was outside, walking streets of Biały with frosted eyelashes and tiny icicles in my nose. Trying imagine myself at the North Pole.
As temperature plummets, chinchillas became my greatest concern. So today they have been moved downstairs, to my room. I hardly sleep anyway, so I really don't care now what creature is going to wake me up in the middle of the fucking night. For few reasons, though, I can forgive a chinch for his nightly gymnastics, as it's his nature to be active at an impossible hours. What is Perkele's reason to wake up dozens of times during the night, getting in and out of the room every few minutes, because she just can't bloody lie down and sleep? Or relax for few hours instead of whinig and scratching the door? Leaving her in the kitchen with other dogs means sudden burst of clatter, when Andrew moves around, which drives me mad to the point of breaking her neck. I need silence.
So, yes, this subject keeps coming back like a fucking bumerang, and I've got just about enough of it.

Now, we (that is me, O., his good lady, and O.'s college friend) went to see swedish short films. First one was stupid and pointless, as it did't lead anywhere. The only conclusion I had is that I'm glad I'm not 20 years old anymore. And that penis looks often extremely pathethic, especially when being put into icy cold drink. Second one was about China and wasn't particularly breathtaking, but I kind of liked steady shots. Also, I was glad I don't live in this country, where you can be shot to death legally for no particular reason, and your demise might be an entertainment for some twisted fucks. Third one was about various animals living on the beach somewhere, don't really know where. Just music and picture. Very nicely captured light and colors. The only drawback was that eventually hordes of people arrived at this beach and destroyed peace and simple joy, by spilling blood.
Fourth one was the best in my opinion, and it was about a girl, who could heal people by taking their sicknesses away, with great cost on her mental state. Very little dialouge, great light, ideas, composition. Fifth one was called "Anyone for tennis?", and I instantly knew it must have something to do with Monthy Python. And it did-Gilliam like cartoon, very nice. Sixth one was about two lesbians who wanted to have a second baby. I liked their white, slightly askew, wooden house. I didn't like the story, flat like a pancake it was. The seventh-it was some videoclip, shot in the woods, band members constructed of hardly visible light dots, floating and sparkling. Liked the idea very much, was not impressed with music. Last one was about a woman performing modern dance in the studio-built birch forest. Her face neither beautiful nor ugly, reminded me of Miranda Richardson. Again, not a word spoken, just music and movement. I liked her dance, because it is kind of dance I would perform, and actually I do. Sometimes.
Am thinking now of making my own short film. Very short-something like 2minutes. With slow motion. And maybe to Ulver's music. That would be something.

Then the painful duty to apply layers of clothing to oneself. I look like a terrorist with only my eyes visible beneath various scarfs and hats and hoods. We (that is me, O. and his friend-good lady run home to stuff more knowlege to her already bursting brain) went to a bus stop and waited there for some five minutes, making comments on almost bare assed blond bitches, who obviously don't know anything about bladder problems. But soon they'll know! Also we concluded that bacterias don't like low temperatures, so perhaps this is some way to combat typical for whores vaginal problems. And then O.'s friend left us (can't bloody remember her name, too common I guess- nice person though) and we went to my bus stop, mocking each other along the way. As we were approaching my usual place of departure, we saw blue, flashing lights and quite untypical police car. Soon few of them gathered. There was blood on the pavement. It looked like well frozen strawberry sherbet. We were told to mind our steps. We glanced at eachother, and moved away a bit. We watched as policemen were taping whole bus stop with red and white tape with word POLICE written on it. We were observing their clumsy work and wondering why they don't have special posts so tape could be easily attached to it. They kept wrapping it around their own cars and a litter bin. Very unprofessional. We noticed that there was some grim looking guy in one of police vehicles. Had to be the one who stabbed. As we clearly heard something about the knife.
Well, gotta start using other bus stop, it seems.
Or it doesn't really matter, as shit may happen anytime, anywhere. Also, is it possible to stab somebody with so many layers of clothing?Thinking of myself now.

Thor is looking better and better. Today made carvings on his breast plate, and made him a belt. Would be great to cast him in bronze, but I suppose I can't afford it. AND it might be tricky, as it is a difficult shape with lots of details and such. We'll see. He might be pretty impressive when finished.