of art

28.XII.2011

Ok, I did it, I managed to crawl out of bed and go to the City. Had to run to catch a bus, but that's ok, as I was wearing not to many layers of clothing, thus I felt a bit cold. Went to the Town Hall to see exibition of Tomasz Tomaszewski's photos- I was the only human being there, except for bored ticket lady and guy who was in charge of cloak room and had keys for exibition rooms. Holy crap! This is how condition of photography looks like in our country...Anyhow, it was even pleasant to be left alone with this pics, and I found some of them quite interesting. Wish someone would pay me same amount of money (50 000zł) to do this project! After half an hour I left feeling a little bit more convinced that I should return to photographing. And then I went to Grandpa and spent some hours discussing paths for my artistic journey, exchanging ideas and so forth. Ate extremly greasy fried potatos and cucumber soup. Finished my picture. Was trying not to think about anger that grows in me like a particularly nasty boil. When it bursts I might do or say awful things. And very soon after- regret it. I can't even be consistent, that's pathetic!I think I need some weed.

I wish my dear friend V. could visit me as soon as possible. We would go for a long walks in the woods, drink vodka and smoke cigarettes, talk about tough and surreal things and laugh like mad men. He is the only person except for my dear Boy, I can do that with to such extent.

I don't like to hurry really, but I wish it was February already. Duh...

of burial

27.XII.2011
Couldn't bring myself to wake at 9.00. If I only had a possibility to hibernate, then I would. Great plans shattered, hahahahahahaha.
Washed my hair and later decided to paint something on 20cm x 30cm canvas. I did few drawings yesterday while watching "Trollhunter", and painting is based on one of them. Didn't finish it though, because aunt and uncle arrived with their deceased dog, Luna. Poor creature got her shot  today, as she was in really bad state. Cancer had spread all over her body, so there was no other option to ease her passing. And so she's laying next to her predecessor, in a fertile, brown soil, among trees and shrubs.
I think of death every now and then. Strangely more often than ever, maybe because so many people had died recently, maybe because of my frequent visits at the cementary, bad condition of my cousin, my Grandparents talking about going to the "other side". Watched recently a documentary about Bruce Lee and his son, Brandon. Can't believe how coincidence may wipe out people before they even know it. Call it a curse, destiny, bad luck, karma. Begin to think that any plannig doesn't make sense, really. I'm a very cautious person by nature, but even so, anything can happen anytime, suddenly. Maybe the more aware you are of many dangers of life, the more you are exposed to them? Or maybe you can't really live as constant anxiety prevents you from being relaxed and happy?
When was the last time I was happy? Ah, yeah- April-May. Then a bit in August.
What crap. I wonder if I had this little, wooden house, away from people, would I get over my loneliness better than now, or would I go entirely insane?

of wasting time

26.XII.2011
I'm really good at it. Time wasting. For instance- I woke up today at midday. Felt guilty about it, but on the other hand-didn't have any plans for today, so why bother? Drank almost the last of my Xmass cherry liqueur-generally stuffing myself with sugar all day. Went to the woods with Perkele and found thick, glass bottle with scaling-probably some ex hospital equipment, maybe a drip.
Tomorrow is an ordinary day, and perhaps I'll go to the photographic exibition at the town hall and then to Grandpa, although have no precise idea what for. Maybe I'll take some acrylic paints with me and canvas ( I've got about seven stretched canvas in various sizes ). Am thinking of some serious wood burning-maybe a piece of furniture. Gotta install myself at at least one new internet gallery. The thought of possible "steady job" slowly creeps into my mind. Ugh...
 There is still one thing before me, thing that I detest-New Year celebration! I'd stay at home and bore myself to death, watching ignorant people at the public television cheering for no fucking reason ("Yay, another year of our life is gone!Yay, next year will be certainly better!"), but I guess I'll decide to go to Orlando's place to get stoned and talk to people I barely know about some accidental stuff. Most likely I'll be the only one without a pair, which really sucks. I should definitely put myself together and stop whinig! Yeah ,there is an idea for a brooch I should make for myself-NO WHINING.
As for Xmass presents which I miraculously manage to finish up at the very last moment- it was a huge success I must say. Everybody (honestly or not) was deeply touched by my commitment, and O. was rather gob-smacked when he saw pyrography of Ned Stark. Vintage pencils (50years old) called "DEMON' and "MEPHISTO" also made an impression on him, so am quite glad. Aunts and uncle and Grandparents where cooing over their gifts as well. Good, because I must be out of my mind to engage myself that much.
Stupid.
And I did not take a single picture of any of things I have made. Must photograph Stark at least-I almost broke my fucking wrist while pressing damn burner to achieve deep shadows on the picture! And there is A LOT of shadow on this one...

Next month (I.24) Behemoth is going to play at the former slaughterhouse in Białystok (great spot, hah), and exactly month later (II.24) Opeth will perform in Warsaw (Heritage Tour). Both concerts worth attending, especially Opeth. Gotta earn for damn tickets first, 'cause it ain't cheap, you know.

 

of unnecessary tasks and obligatory behaviour

24.XII.2011
Yes. It's past midnight, so Christmas Eve is yet before me. Been making dumplings for the last few hours, drinking Bailey's with ice and trying not to think too much of how irrelevant the whole thing is. People get thrills from such moments of anticipation. They expect that THIS TIME EVERYTHING WILL BE PERFECTLY MAGICAL. No annoying family members complaining about the unsatisfactory consistency of soup/pate/fish-you name it. No bitter words. No completely improper and useless gifts. No cardiac arrests, bloated bellies and not-so-quite well hidden farts released under the table. No tough discussions about politics, religion, and economy. Just pure love and understanding...
Most likely this will be just not so. I don't know. This is my first Christmas here since I left this very place almost 20 years ago. Wish I wouldn't be bound to this strange rituals, which have nothing to do with logic, but are mindlessly repeated over hundreds, thousands of years. Only now, the whole cause of it- fella called Jesus- is being almost utterly removed from the mass conciousness. In the name of god and the holy spirit-let us buy, buy, BUY!!
Still have few things to do. I might take the whole gift-making too seriously. Don't know if I'll be able to take some photos of stuff I've just made, and I mean GOOD photos, not just some pics taken in a hurry with random light and background...And, well, I did one heck of a job. Wonder if it'll be sufficiently appreciated...
AND I hope not to receive any oversized underwear or perfumes that make me dizzy or shitloads of MILK chocolate...

Am slightly anxious about possible Skype conversation with my beloved Father, who is now as strange to me as those rare animals living far away, seen only by the chosen. He existst and yet seem to be unreal. What an unfair and cruel life.
Condition of my cuz remains the same.
What a lovely gift for his already tormented mother. I wonder if he'd had a chance to return to his former state, would he ever cosider to stop drinking? If there is no will to live, why not just finish it nice and quickly? :-/
 Have some wood burning left, and my eyelids are getting heavier...Better finish it now...

of this and that

11.12.2011
Ok. So what day is this? Sunday? Riiight.
I wish I could say I have achieved incredible things during this passing week, but I haven't. Am left with seven dogs and three cats to tend to, as my Aunt is on her italian trip and she'll be back next Saturday. It's like working in an animal shelter, with only difference I don't have to shovel excrements (thank Odin for that!). HOWEVER I manage to step into one poo or another every now an then, as none of these canine creatures seem to bother WHERE they actually lay a dump. It might be as well in the middle of the path. In every color and texture. Well, yeah...Enough of this.
Needless to say-I'm stuck. The thoughts of my current uneven situation make me feel anxious. My pirographic works and most of felt jewelery are now at some library at the outskirts of Białystok. Don't expect any sales really, but at least someone will see my creations. Nice library staff BDW, I think I could do such a job-it is absolutely devoid of stress.
OK, I DO EXPECT SOME SALES. I'm a liar.

  Still.
I made my first doll. Must take some decent photos of her ( she hasn't got a name, but will come up with some sooner or later ). Am quite satisfied. She is a girl but has a grayish hair, which make her look more serious. And I like an outfit I made for her. Basically she's an old soul. There will be more to come, I hope, when I get my Sculpey stuff, specifically for doll making. I know this is just silly. Can't focus on one thing...

  Have plans to make all my xmass presents by hand, although I'm tired of carrying out this duty every year in order to fulfill somebody's expectations. And it does not fit my heathen world, either. Of course, I take pleasure in giving things to somebody I like or love, especially if it is made by me. But why the fuck I have to do this at this specific date? Which is a fake date of birth of Christ, BDW? Everything has it's roots in paganism, I dare to say it is hugely influneced by it. Most people don't realise it, and if they do, they deny the obvious. And my Family in Białystok is for one, (quite impossible to undermine) reason deprived of faith. And yet, there'll be a huge feast and all, probably for the sake of old times. When there were two, young boys sitting at the table, instead of one.
Am spending too much time at the front of a computer. I've been practicing my Scottish accent for example. Yer' right!! I find it interesting and amusing to be able to mimic different accents within one language. Was exploring Monty Python's unknown sketches. And listening to this chants .Truly, I don't care that this music was made to praise the "lord". I admire the skill, voice control, depth and mood. I takes me back in time.It calms me down.

I could imagine myself in some airy workshop, full of daylight, listening to such music and creating. Endlessly.

Learned new word in Norwegian: tullebukke.
Jeg ar tullebukke, sikkert...
ps. Saw neighbor's bitch sliding under our gate in order to get some intercourse with our dogs. Only Fanzol got his nutsack intact, so I guess he was happy that he could get some action. This little whore drives me mad. She'll do anything for a piece of dick. And her moronic owner will be drowning puppies in the well again.

extraordinary people

3.XII.2011

So may things had happened, so many people met. Good and kind words had been said. Some emotions spilled. And there was a concert, an awesome experience to see my Bro playing stuff, doing what he really loves, becoming famous and recognizable. Felt so good to go back to our little flat and rest and sleep deeply, only to regret that on my own, without warm presence of my loved one. But this is yet to come.

Came back with strong decree to stop worry that much and begin to distinguish things that matter and those that are completely irrelevant. Also to appreciate what I have. Have just discovered amazing series called "Extraordinary people". It is worth watching, not only to regain some optimism, but also in order to stop whining and feeling sorry for oneself. Yup, Nature can be cruel...